I want to elaborate a little one the topic of my mental disorder and where it comes from. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). What is that? DID is a mental condition where a person has multiple, distinct personalities often referred to as alters or alter egos. The alternate personalities control the person’s behavior at different times. The condition can cause memory loss, delusions, or depression. DID is usually caused by past trauma.
I experience deja vu often as the memory loss is common. I usually remember the basics of my day. The smaller details are a hazy like making plans with someone, what I ate etc. I have had times where I dissociate to the point I was driving and several miles into a blur.
What is an Alter? An alter (or alter ego) is the “personalities” on the inside of your head. Alters can be any gender age race nationality sexual orientation. Someone with DID can have as few a couple up to
100s of alters.
I personally have eight alters in my system. Just to give a personal example I have a masculine gay male, females and even some non-binary alters. Some alters in my DID system are Bisexual, poly sexual and even some that are A-sexual (not interested in sex). One is Australian with accent included. Some alters are children (also called little's) and can also be anything else. Alters can be other non human entities such as animals or even stuffed animals.
Some people who know me can tell who is fronting without asking. And; before you ask, no it is not rude to ask who is fronting. What is fronting? Basically it means who you are talking to. Imagine in my case 8 people in a car. The person fronting is basically the driver. Everyone else is a long for the ride.
The key thing to remember is they have there own unique likes, dislikes, hobbies, etc. Treat them as separate people because they are. Not all alters in the systems are going to feel the same about you. Do not take it personal. People with DID are seldom dangerous. Most try to hide the symptoms due to stigmas of having it.
My life has been a crazy journey. I have survived a lot. I have survived being a sex trafficking victim. In 2012 I walked in a movie with friends and someone opened fire on everyone inside. I was the only one of my friends who walked out alive. Then this year my childhood friend killed himself in front of me. I also tried attempted to my own demise before I was diagnosed.
DID is very treatable. I find having a therapist is helpful. I find that its hard to connect with others at times. Truthfully since my diagnosis, I find telling those closest to me is helpful because it means they know my struggle. I go through days where I do not want to eat, get out of bed or even feel worthy of love. I have an amazing chosen family who lift me up when I need it. I know they have my back.
My biggest struggle is honestly loving our self at times. Sometimes I feel like a burden and I am an impostor. Music is whats the savage uprising within. I know no one really knows it but I call the suicide hotline when no one is able to talk to keep myself from doing bad stuff to fix our temporary struggle. Loving and sharing my passion with others is hard cause of trust issues.
Every day I am grateful for those in my life who hold my hand in the dark. At times in silence. I even named my car Mona Lisa after the person who has always been there. She has a glow that makes minutes feel like hours and always makes my anxiety dissolve by holding my hand. The love I feel with my family around is amazing.
Signed Riley
